Monday, September 28, 2009

Got milk?

I stood in the dairy section for 15 minutes trying to buy milk.
Volcano coffee milk, apple milk, imei oat soya milk, black grain rice milk, plumule rice milk.
I just want regular milk. From a cow. Preferably non-fat.
I ask two girls if they speak English, "Ni hui shuo ying wen ma?" "I'm looking for milk. Just plain milk."
After consulting with the grocers at Welcome, they hand me a jug with green writing.
At home, I pour myself a glass of milk and take a gulp while reading my novel. Oh my God. It tastes like cheese. It is so hot in Taiwan that the milk went bad during my walk home.
I quickly call my mother on Skype and thrust the jug toward the camera.
"Mom! What does this say?!?"
"The first three words are the name," she says. "The next three words mean cheese."
She continues to read the label: "It says it tastes very concentrated. In other words, you're drinking cheese in liquid form. What's wrong with you?"
Crap. I knew I should have bought the plumule rice milk.
Imagined ad: On hot days, quench your thirst with a tall, cool glass of liquid cheese.

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